Persona is only skin deep?

In the thinking about potential cancer and what that would mean if I got a confirmed diagnosis.  Treatment would likely lead to me losing several physical traits I’ve come to be very acquainted with and known for as well.  

Breast cancer treatment if it would be what I need to deal with would cause me to lose my chest and my hair at a minimum as well as likely a lot of weight.  I really try to push the looks aren’t everything card, but let’s face it kids.

We are all shallow.

It made me think.  Really ponder.  How much of my persona is tied up in my looks?  How much of my confidence is because I own the quirks of my body?  Would I still be “me” if I wasn’t this buxom force with a flowing mane?


But is there a chance that my whole persona would be altered irreparably?


My contact cards are based on my chest tats.  If I had to have a radical double mastectomy would they be saved?  If I lost all my hair would I still be remembered for all my crazy pinup hairsyles and funky hair colours?  Would it change my passion for costuming?  Would it ruin it?

Would I still be attractive to those who love me?  To those who are attracted to me now?  Would it ruin my modeling?  

So many thoughts.

The fear….

Working in the medical field has its ups and downs.  Positives and negatives.  One positive is that I know a lot about a lot of things.  


It is also a negative.


So, for the past several months I’ve noticed lumpier spots in my breasts.  Yes, breasts are fibrous, and larger breasts tend to be lumpier.  But these are different than my usual lumpiness.

“Why am I concerned?” you may ask.

Well, Back in 2007/2008 I had a lump that was a cause of concern.   I had to have an ultrasound and had several punch biopsies done.  Result:  Abnormal tissue that did not immediately present as malignant.  Plan:  Monitor for any changes.


Except I’ve had run-ins with many types of cancers over my short life.  Cervical, uterine, ovarian, skin multiple times, breast once already.  Sure, I joke about being lungs of liver next with my drinking and smoking habits, but it’s meant to be light and airy, even though it really conceals a fear I have.

I have a limited Family medical history as I am adopted, but I have a maternal aunt who had breast cancer and ovarian cancer, and skin cancer runs in the family.

Back to the present day.

I have several breast lumps that are firm almost hard and will wake me up in the middle of the night with level 8-9/10 stabbing pain that brings me to tears more often than not.  Being in the medical field and with my personal medical history, I know what this points to.

I have appointments this Thursday to get the full once over with PCP and specialists I regularly see.  (I missed an appointment in October with the move and all).  But I’ve started stressing out.

FNG has promised to go with me, which is majorly helpful, and I’m very grateful for.  I still have the fear.


All signs point to….Cancer?

This is kind of a “pass the time” post, and a post to make sure others keep up with their own health. So it’s only sexy insofar as living longer is sexy!

I have had a history of minor skin problems. I’m pasty as hell, so sun was always a concern to me. Add to this I have more than a few moles.

Well the first abnormal mole I had was at age 12. It was removed, then grown in a lab. The results were less than desirable. The mole appeared to be pre-cancerous. They removed a large chunk of skin.

Around age 16, I had another mole. Repeat process.

Over the past 11 years there were more moles and freckles and most were normal, nothing overly abnormal and anything that looked anything but textbook perfect was watched closely. Nothing ever amounted to anything.

This past weekend I noticed one of the “watches” did something a little weirder than usual…it had grown and changed colours. It was no longer smooth nor uniform in colour.

I immediately made an appointment to see a dermatologist. I wasn’t about to let this “wait and see”.

I go in have a discussion about the history of previous moles. Got stared at closely to see my other moles and freckles and whatnot.

Note: Sunscreen is AWESOME for keeping your skin young and moisturizers like cocoa butter help with scarring and keeping skin supple.

The doc looked at my mole and suggested that I have it biopsied, which is what I had thought when I made the appointment. With any luck they’ve got it all and that will be the end. Track records speaks otherwise…but we shall see.

Tuesday I call for the results.

Bottom line, know your body, intimately. Do not be afraid to see a professional if something is not right. It is for the best. I have thwarted the need for cancer treatment by being proactive about my health. Be sure to take care of yourselves.

Shorter Updates