Toning

Ok, so I’m not actually trying to lose weight.  However, I am trying to get healthy and toned.

What does that mean?

Well, it means:

  • taking the stairs when I can
  • going for short walks a few times everyday
  • eating throughout the day, not just one large meal
  • Drinking more water.
  • Being more active.

Ok, so Before camp I was 397 lbs. (mid-may 2012)

Latex Dress Early May 2012

Camp 2012, 06/02

After camp I was 392. (Early June 2012)

Mid June 2012

Last week I was 387.  (mid-june 2012)

Today I was 385.  I have muscle tone in my legs where previously I had excess jiggly.  Not the sexy jiggly, the floppy jiggly.

Sorry no pic.

If this path continues by Camp 2013 I’m gonna be built like a brick shithouse!

HAH!

 

An odd thing for me this week…

It’s strange when I become part of a support system for others through my infamy…. I hesitate to say famous b/c I still think of fame in grandiose terms, but I do garner a certain level of recognition around this and other communities.

This past week I have been contacted by roughly 18 women who asked for help, guidance, and styling tips after seeing my porn, model sets, and my goof off photos that have been posted to my various profiles here and on other community websites.

A lot of them state that they “struggle” with their confidence because of size, or stigma, or any number of personal hangups. In each and every case, they were allowing themselves to be defined by what others had said about them. If it was negative then they felt bad, if it was positive then it was good.

But if nothing was said then they had no idea how to feel.

That is the key to my confidence. I am the only person who defines how I feel. I take comments into consideration. For example if some random jackoff tells me I’m a fat pig, I put no stock into it. If the same random jackoff says that I’m the most beautiful thing ever, I wonder what he wants, b/c often if I reject the positive advance the negative follows shortly thereafter. Now, if someone I trust and care about says “That outfit looks awful on you,” I’m far more apt to listen and take that into consideration. However, if I still feel like a million bucks in the awful outfit, I’m still gonna rock the hell out of it.

But you have such a pretty face…

Gawd, do I hate that line. I get it mostly from my family. They want to say something nice without being overly down about my weight while still being condescending about it. It sucks. Every time I heard this growing up, I felt like slitting my wrists. (And no, that’s not hyperbole.) A few years back, I actually had it out with my mother. (My father had been long dead.) I told her that she had no right to say such disparaging things to me; that being “family” did not give her carte blanche to treat me like shit. I also told her that if she was any other jack-off in my life, she’d have been left behind long ago.

We didn’t speak for several months, almost a year. Not uncommon.

Now we are at a tenuous place in communication. She continues to be disparaging then apologizes when I ignore her. the periods of contact are longer than the periods of no contact.

I just find it amusing that I can be inspirational for so many, but that I am such a blight for her and my family. It’s hardly surprising, but that’s mostly b/c I’ve become immune to it. Now dealing with the family involves copious amounts of alcohol and frequent smoke breaks.

Really, this post should serve to remind people that the only person who can make you feel bad IS YOU.

Only you can define who you are and how you feel.

Don’t let anyone else tell you differently.

 

ChipIn for my new space!

Ok, so I’ve started a ChipIn page to raise money piecemeal for my new space.  I’m trying to start a multi-use space to host kink demos, parties, and general chicanery.

Please Help!

http://starlitmeow.chipin.com/a-new-space

Happy Bunny Egg day!!

http://www.theendishere.org/zombie-jesus-lich-jesus/

A little irreverence for the non- xtians!

Friendship is transitive….

http://www.plausiblydeniable.com/opinion/gsf.html

Every carrier of GSF4 has, at some point, said:

“Wouldn’t it be great to get all my groups of friends into one place for one big happy party?!”

If you groaned at that last paragraph, you may be a recovering GSF4 carrier.

GSF4 is the belief that any two of your friends ought to be friends with each other, and if they’re not, something is Very Wrong.

The milder form of GSF4 merely prevents the carrier from perceiving evidence to contradict it; a carrier will refuse to comprehend that two of their friends (or two groups of friends) don’t much care for each other, and will continue to try to bring them together at social events. They may even maintain that a full-scale vendetta is just a misunderstanding between friends that could easily be resolved if the principals would just sit down to talk it out.

A more serious form of GSF4 becomes another “friendship test” fallacy: if you have a friend A, and a friend B, but A & B are not friends, then one of them must not really be your friend at all. It is surprisingly common for a carrier, when faced with two friends who don’t get along, to simply drop one of them.

On the other side of the equation, a carrier who doesn’t like a friend of a friend will often get very passive-aggressive and covertly hostile to the friend of a friend, while vigorously maintaining that we’re one big happy family and everyone is friends.

GSF4 can also lead carriers to make inappropriate requests of people they barely know — asking a friend’s roommate’s ex if they can crash on their couch, asking a college acquaintance from eight years ago for a letter of recommendation at their workplace, and so on. If something is appropriate to ask of a friend, it’s appropriate to ask of a friend of a friend.

Arguably, Friendster was designed by a GSF4 carrier.

Country Pie

So, I’ve made many variations of this dish.  It really kinda depends on what I have lying about the house.

Ingredients

  • 1 pound lean ground beef (85%)
  • 8 ounce tomato sauce w/ mushrooms
  • 1/2-3/4 dry chopped onion (or 1/2 small fresh onion minced)
  • 1 cup dried bread crumbs, seasoned
  • 1/2 teaspoon dried oregano
  • 1/2 cup grated parmesan
  • 1/2 cup shredded Cheddar cheese
  • 1 teaspoon Seasoned Salt
  • 1/2 teaspoon Onion Powder
  • 1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
  • 1 1/3 cups instant rice
  • 1 cup water
  • 1 1/2 cups tomato sauce
  • 1/2 teaspoon dried oregano
  • 1/4 teaspoon dried basil
  • 1/4 teaspoon dried rosemary
  • 1 teaspoon Seasoned Salt
  • 1/2 teaspoon Onion Powder
  • 1/2 cup shredded Cheddar cheese
  • additional 1/2 cup cheese

Directions

  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
  2. In a large bowl, combine ground beef, 8 ounces tomato sauce, chopped onion, bread crumbs, 1st set of spices and cheeses. Mix thoroughly and press into a 9 inch pie plate.
  3. In a medium bowl, combine instant rice, water, tomato sauce, spices and all but 1/2 shredded cheese. Mix well and pour over meat layer. Cover with aluminum foil.
  4. Bake in preheated oven for 30 minutes. Be sure to put a pan or cookie sheet beneath the pie plate on a lower rack to catch any grease drippings.  Remove foil and sprinkle top with remaining 1/2 cup Cheddar cheese. Return pie to oven for an additional 10 minutes. Let stand 5 minutes before cutting.
Other additions you can make that I have found tasty:
  • Hot sauce to the rice mixture.
  • Roasted/sauteed onions and peppers between the rice and meat mixtures.
  • Provolone cheese slices between the rice and meat mixtures.
  • Peas anywhere.

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ORIGINAL RECIPE:

Ingredients

  • 1 pound lean ground beef
  • 1 (1 ounce) package dry onion soup mix
  • 1 (8 ounce) can tomato sauce
  • 1/2 onion, chopped
  • 1 cup dried bread crumbs, seasoned
  • 1/2 teaspoon dried oregano
  • 1/2 cup shredded Cheddar cheese
  • 1 1/3 cups instant rice
  • 1 cup water
  • 1 1/2 cups tomato sauce
  • 1/2 teaspoon dried oregano
  • 1/4 teaspoon dried basil
  • 1/4 teaspoon dried rosemary
  • 1/2 cup shredded Cheddar cheese

Directions

  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
  2. In a large bowl, combine ground beef, onion soup mix, 8 ounces tomato sauce, chopped onion, bread crumbs, 1/2 teaspoon oregano, and 1/2 cup shredded cheese. Mix thoroughly and press into a 9 inch pie plate.
  3. In a medium bowl, combine instant rice, water, 1 1/2 cups tomato sauce, 1/2 teaspoon oregano, basil, and rosemary. Mix well and pour over meat layer. Cover with aluminum foil.
  4. Bake in preheated oven for 30 minutes. Remove foil and sprinkle top with remaining 1/2 cup Cheddar cheese. Return pie to oven for an additional 10 minutes. Let stand 5 minutes before cutting.

Loving

Ok, so the 200 Squat Challenge Post was actually a somewhat reactionary post to some things going on in my life as late. 

  1. My mother and I haven’t been speaking for some time now.  Again.  It happened after the Northeast Earthquake.  We reconciled tentatively until the hurricane (Irene?) where she got all super passive agressive again.  We haven’t spoken since except for a mass email I sent to family regarding not moving to CA and a thank you note I received for sending her flowers for her bday.
  2. California.  I love you.  I hate you.  So we got a “No”, but they are still interested to a degree, so we’re somewhat in limbo again.
  3. Work.  It’s like the School posts I made.  Exactly.  Except now I’m getting paid to deal with this crap.  Although not enough.
  4. Weight battles.  This will get it’s own bit below.
  5. Relationship battles.  Might get it’s own post.
  6. General Malaise. Will probably also get it’s own post.

Ok, so weight battles.  M has decided that he didn’t want to by bigger pants so he started to alter his diet some and has lost some pretty considerable amounts of weight.  I’m happy that he’s decided to be healthier, however, it’s been rough going.  M is a high-functioning Aspie, which sometimes leads to him not always catchign on to how something he says might affect soemone.  He knows I’ve had weight issues most of my life, mostly stemming from the wonderfully supportive (sic) family o’ mine.  So, the issue really began to rear it’s ugly head when he would say “Oh, let’s not have dinner at the restaurant we normally eat at b/c it’s too heavy,” or “Do you REALLY want an appetizer?  That’s a lot of food.”

He meant well, but that’s a far nicer way of saying things my parents used to say.  I was ok at first, but it kept eating at me.  I’ve been staying at the same weight range for most of the summer.  I’ve definitely lost some weight, but I hit my plateau.  I think it was mostly stress; between work and CA, I’ve had my share lately. 

Now, some of you might read this and go, WHAT?!  So, to pre-empt that, I still love myself.  I love me as I am, and my main plan is still to tone muscles rather than lose weight, but because of the things M would say I was freaking out in my head and starting paying way too much attention to my weight rather than how I feel.  I was pretty depressed for the past month or 2. 

I decided to just stop. 

M didn’t mean anything against me with his comments, but the combined stress and monotony and general malaise he and I had been experiencing led to a lot of issues including butting heads more than necessary, and lack of sex, and not going out and being bums; none of whihc helped my brain resist the spiraling of depression.  He really does still like me and want me and is attracted to me, but do you think my brain thought that?  Nope.

My brain doesn’t really factor compliments and criticisms in when it tallies my self-worth and self-esteem.  However certain comments can make it twitch a bit.  The funny thing is that even though I was depressed, I still had amazingly high self-esteem, I was just not my super bubbly self.

Ok, enough for one day.  Although in the future, I will be posting about nuymbers 5 and 6.

Mushrooom Lasagna

For the Meat: 

  • 3/4 pound 85% lean ground beef
  • 3/4 to 1 cup dry minced onions
  • 3-4 heaping tablespoons of minced garlic
  • Seasoned Salt

For the mushrooms:

  • 1 tablespoon extra virgin olive oil
  • 1 small onion, coarsely chopped
  • 3 heaping tablespoons minced garlic
  • 1.5 pints baby bella mushrooms, sliced
  • Seasoned Salt
  • 1/3 cup Holland House White Wine with Lemon
  • 2-3 pinches Dried Thyme Leaves
  • Freshly ground black pepper

For the béchamel:

  • 1/4 cup extra virgin olive oil
  • 1/4 cup dried minced onion
  • 1/4 cup sifted all-purpose flour
  • 2 cups milk (may use low-fat milk)
  • Salt and freshly ground pepper

For the lasagna:

  • 1/2 pound lasagna noodles (10 strips Prince brand lasagna noodles)
  • 6-8 ounces Mozarella cheese, shredded
  1. Brown meat in a large skillet over medium-high heat.  Add garlic.  When halfway cooked, add the onion.  Lower heat to medium-low and simmer until fully cooked.  Remove from heat and set aside.
  2. Heat olive oil in a large, heavy skillet over medium heat and add the onion. Cook, stirring often, until tender, 3 to 5 minutes. Add the garlic, stir together for about 30 seconds, then add the mushrooms and salt to taste. Cook, stirring often, until the mushrooms begin to soften and to sweat, about 5 minutes. Add the wine. Cook, stirring, until the liquid boils down and glazes the mushrooms, 5 to 10 minutes. Add thyme. Bring to a simmer, add salt, and cook over medium-high heat, stirring often, until the mushrooms are thoroughly tender and fragrant and the surrounding broth has reduced by a little more than half, about 10 to 15 minutes. Remove from the heat, stir in some freshly ground pepper, taste and adjust salt.
  3. Meanwhile, make the béchamel. Heat the oil over medium heat in a heavy saucepan. Add onion and cook, stirring, until softened, about 3 minutes. Stir in the flour and cook, stirring, for about 3 minutes, until smooth and bubbling, but not browned. It should have the texture of wet sand. Whisk in the milk all at once and bring to a simmer, whisking all the while, until the mixture begins to thicken. Turn the heat to very low and simmer, stirring often with a whisk and scraping the bottom and edges of the pan with a rubber spatula, for 10 to 15 minutes, until the sauce is thick and has lost its raw-flour taste. Season with salt and pepper. Pour while hot into the pan with the mushrooms.
  4. Assemble the lasagna. Heat the oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit. Use Canola Baking Spray on a 9×12 Pyrex baking dish. Bring a large pot of water to a boil, salt generously and add lasagna noodles.  Cook only until flexible, and using tongs or a skimmer, remove from the pan strain into a collander. Place 3 noodles across the bottom of the greased dish.  Pour meat mixture into dish until a thin layer covers the noodles.  Put 3 more noodles across the meat. Spoon entire mushroom mixture on the noodles.  Place 4 noodles across the top.  Bake 30 minutes. Remove the foil.  Cover the top in Mozarella cheese.   Bake uncovered for 10 minutes.  Remove from oven and let sit for 5-10 minutes.  Serve hot or warm.

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Original recipe: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/12/health/nutrition/12recipehealth.html?_r=1&pagewanted=print

Mushroom Lasagna
By MARTHA ROSE SHULMAN
This lasagna tastes very rich, even though it really isn’t. It combines an olive oil béchamel with a simple mushroom ragout and Parmesan cheese. I prefer no-boil lasagna noodles because they’re lighter than regular lasagna noodles. But I still boil them because I think the results are better if they’re cooked until they’re flexible (a couple of minutes) first.

For the mushrooms:

1 ounce (about 1 cup) dried porcini or shiitake mushrooms

1 tablespoon extra virgin olive oil

2 shallots or 1 small onion, finely chopped

2 to 3 garlic cloves, minced

1 pound cremini mushrooms, sliced

Salt

1/2 cup fruity red wine, such as a Côtes du Rhône or Syrah

1 teaspoon fresh thyme leaves

Freshly ground pepper

For the béchamel:

2 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil

2 tablespoons minced shallot or onion

2 tablespoons sifted all-purpose flour

2 cups milk (may use low-fat milk)

Salt and freshly ground pepper

For the lasagna:

1/2 pound no-boil lasagna noodles

4 ounces Parmesan cheese, grated (1 cup)

A few leaves of fresh sage (optional)

1. Place the dried mushrooms in a glass measuring cup and pour 2 cups boiling water over them. Let soak 30 minutes, while you prepare the other ingredients. Place a strainer over a bowl, line it with cheesecloth or paper towels, and drain the mushrooms. Squeeze the mushrooms over the strainer to extract all the flavorful juices. If using shiitakes, cut away and discard the stems. Then rinse the mushrooms, away from the bowl with the soaking liquid, until they are free of sand. Squeeze dry and set aside. Chop coarsely. Measure out 1 1/2 cups of the soaking liquid and set aside.

2. Heat 1 tablespoon olive oil in a large, heavy skillet over medium heat and add the shallots or onion. Cook, stirring often, until tender, 3 to 5 minutes. Add the garlic, stir together for about 30 seconds, then add the fresh and reconstituted mushrooms and salt to taste. Cook, stirring often, until the mushrooms begin to soften and to sweat, about 5 minutes. Add the wine and turn the heat to high. Cook, stirring, until the liquid boils down and glazes the mushrooms, 5 to 10 minutes. Add thyme and stir in the mushroom soaking liquid. Bring to a simmer, add salt, and cook over medium-high heat, stirring often, until the mushrooms are thoroughly tender and fragrant and the surrounding broth has reduced by a little more than half, about 10 to 15 minutes. Remove from the heat, stir in some freshly ground pepper, taste and adjust salt.

3. Meanwhile, make the béchamel. Heat the oil over medium heat in a heavy saucepan. Add the shallot or onion and cook, stirring, until softened, about 3 minutes. Stir in the flour and cook, stirring, for about 3 minutes, until smooth and bubbling, but not browned. It should have the texture of wet sand. Whisk in the milk all at once and bring to a simmer, whisking all the while, until the mixture begins to thicken. Turn the heat to very low and simmer, stirring often with a whisk and scraping the bottom and edges of the pan with a rubber spatula, for 10 to 15 minutes, until the sauce is thick and has lost its raw-flour taste. Season with salt and pepper. Strain while hot into the pan with the mushrooms.

4. Assemble the lasagna. Heat the oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit. Oil or butter a 2-quart rectangular baking dish. Bring a large pot of water to a boil, salt generously and add 3 or 4 lasagna noodles, just the number you need for one layer. Cook only until flexible, and using tongs or a skimmer, remove from the pan and set on a kitchen towel to drain. Spoon a thin layer of béchamel and mushrooms over the bottom of the dish. Top with a layer of noodles. Spread a ladleful of the mushroom/béchamel mixture over the noodles and top with a layer of Parmesan. Cook the next layer of noodles and continue to repeat the layers (I get three layers in my pan), ending with a layer of the mushroom/béchamel mixture topped with Parmesan. Cover with foil and place in the oven. Bake 30 minutes. Remove the foil, and if you want the edges of the noodles crispy and the top lightly browned, continue to bake uncovered for another 5 to 10 minutes. Serve hot or warm.

Advance preparation: The mushrooms can be cooked up to 4 days before the lasagna is assembled and baked. The béchamel can be made a day ahead. Whisk well and reheat gently before straining into the mushrooms and assembling the lasagna. The assembled lasagna can be tightly covered and refrigerated for a day before baking. Leftovers will keep for 3 or 4 days. Reheat in a low oven or in a microwave.

200 Squat Challenge

Ok, so recently, my bf started to cut a lot of crap out of his diet. This is great for him, he’s been taking off a lot of the weight he’d put on over the past couple years. The downside? I feel like total crap b/c I am simply maintaining my weight between the same 10 pound range.

It wasn’t such a big deal at first but then it became a big deal. I hit a wall and I’m just depressed now. I went from 393 to 365 back to 373 and have been holding between 365 and 375 for a couple months now.

I’m frustrated. It always happens to me. I lose sight of goals and focus on numbers and I truly blame my family for it. My bf doesnt’ mean to be a catalyst to this, but he is now. I hate it. It is my problem, but that doesn’t make it suck less.

Ok, enough back story.

I’ve decided to do the 200 squat challenge. I’m taking this week to gear up and check my levels over the week. I can guage what level I am in by taking it day by day all this week and that way I don’t start too high nor too low. I decided to do this particular challenge because it will help build my core as well as limberness in my legs. This is especially important if i’m going to do more Fetish videos.

http://www.twohundredsquats.com/

I hope this will get me back on a track of toning my muscles rather than focusing on losing weight.

Chicken broccoli Casserole

1 pound boneless skinless chicken breast, cubed, uncooked
1 16oz package frozen chooped broccoli, thawed
2 cans broccoli cheedar soup
1 cup mayonnaise
3/4 cup chicken broth
3/4 cup sour cream
1 pint sliced baby bella mushrooms
2 cups cheddar cheese, shredded
2 cups rice, uncooked
2 cups water
2 tablespoons minced fresh garlic
1/4 cup dry minced onion
salt and pepper to taste

Preheat Oven to 350 degrees Farenheit.

Cook the rice with garlic and onion in the 2 cups of water until all the water is absorbed. Rice cookers are amazing for this. Normally you would cook the rice 2 cups of water to 1 cup of uncooked rice, but it’s best if the rice is undercooked here.

Mix the cubed raw chicken with broccoli cheddar soup, mayonnaise, sour cream, and chopped broccoli until everything is well coated. Add chicken broth until combined. Add mushrooms and toss lightly until coated. Salt and pepper to taste.

Add the cooked rice to the chicken mixture.

Spread the mixture into a 9×12 pyrex dish.

Cook for 50 minutes at 350 degrees Farenheit. Add the cheese to the top. Cook for an additional 10 minutes.

Turn off the oven and let it sit for about 15 minutes. Serve with buttered rolls for yummy factor.

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