200 Squat Challenge

Ok, so recently, my bf started to cut a lot of crap out of his diet. This is great for him, he’s been taking off a lot of the weight he’d put on over the past couple years. The downside? I feel like total crap b/c I am simply maintaining my weight between the same 10 pound range.

It wasn’t such a big deal at first but then it became a big deal. I hit a wall and I’m just depressed now. I went from 393 to 365 back to 373 and have been holding between 365 and 375 for a couple months now.

I’m frustrated. It always happens to me. I lose sight of goals and focus on numbers and I truly blame my family for it. My bf doesnt’ mean to be a catalyst to this, but he is now. I hate it. It is my problem, but that doesn’t make it suck less.

Ok, enough back story.

I’ve decided to do the 200 squat challenge. I’m taking this week to gear up and check my levels over the week. I can guage what level I am in by taking it day by day all this week and that way I don’t start too high nor too low. I decided to do this particular challenge because it will help build my core as well as limberness in my legs. This is especially important if i’m going to do more Fetish videos.


I hope this will get me back on a track of toning my muscles rather than focusing on losing weight.

Update on 3rd wheel

So, boy came in to apologize.

Essentially: I am sorry but I’m still not wrong.

I dont’ know how to feel.

I know he’s doing it in fairly good faith, but really that’s the equivalent of I’m sorry your offended, it’s your fault you are offended. That’s the shit my mom does.

FUCK! Srsly, fuck these triggery psychoses. I can’t live like this.

I’m going to have to trust that he’s apologizing to smooth the air, but I can’t help but wonder when he will do this again, or if he’s going to take it to the extreme and bother me for every little thing now.

I’m feeling isolated. Hell, even my dog is concerned about me right now.

So, do I pretend like everything is fine and go be with the boy and other people? or do I physically isolate myself and try to fix this shit in my head alone?

Feeling like a third wheel…

It really sucks when you feel like an accessory to your own relationship. The past 2 weekends I have had serious fights with my primary. This is really shitty. It comes on the tails of feeling far less desired in my own relationship than I have in the entire 2 years we were together. I’ve felt like I’m just a necessary evil.

The primary is a genuinely nice guy. He’s also the sort to not openly acknowledge the expiration date of a relationship. I, on the other hand, am often too quick on the draw. All that aside, I really feel like I’m just a worthless waste of space that is far more of a hinderance than a girlfriend.

He says it’s not true, but given his nice guy nature, I am not entirely sure I believe that he is being 100% truthful.

this back to back fighting has me looking for apts and trying to figure out how I’m gonna survive. These are the times that I get my darkest; when something I have depended on for so long just whips itself out from under my feet, yet tells me that everything is fine they are just annoyed.

I’m avoiding being in the same room right now b/c I don’t want to be actively ignored. Being ignored b/c I’m in a different room is at least my choice to be ignored, and not adding insult to injury by being ignored in the same space.

My head is a dark dark place right now. I am swirling out of control. I need little signs that I’m not worthless and that I am desired and wanted and I’m getting nothing. not even after the discussion last week about needing these things. I currently feel that everything I have accomplished in every aspect of my life is a farce. I am wondering why it’s even worth it. I want to know why I should bother continuing. I dont’ know what’s real and what’s fake anymore. I feel like to not exist would be an improvement on the current situation.


This downward spiral thinking. it’s nto doing anyone any good and yet I can’t stop. Every time I do it sneaks back in. It’s a constant battle, and I’m not winning right now. The default is to pretend the world is ok and be overly snarky and sarcastic, but I am too apathetic to pretend right now.

I need to go somewhere and do something.

I need to be appreciated, genuinely so.

To add insult to injury, something so minute from earlier in the week is plaguing me. I was feeling better, and applied to school and took some forward steps towards some of my goals and sent a nice email to my mother (we’d been speaking awhile) and I get back the response, “Good for you.”

A fucking period!

and that was the entire contents of her reply. I had stated I was excited and that’s all I got back.

Yeah, so in my current state of feeling less than myself, that keeps popping up on my radar. The kick myself when Im down sort of thing. For all intents and purposes my life IS going well except for the relationship snafus and my mother, but she has always been bipolar in her interactions with me.

I just wish I could haul myself out of this pit of despair. It’s really unhealthy, and could be exceedingly detrimental if I allow it to continue much further. It is approaching critical levels of darkness.

I am starting to feel old…

Ok, we all get old, and granted I’m only gonna be 28, but I just found out that I’m going to need glasses. I have a very mild prescription, and am only supposed to wear them at night when I drive and only when I really need them.

It makes me feel a little old b/c I’ve always had really good vision.

I know……hush…..I already look good in glasses and I only need them sporadically…bah.


I got home about 15 hours ago.  I have to say that Madi did amazing things to my very cluttered home!

Thank you so very much Madi!  What you did was amazingly appreciated!

Anywho, the flight back wasn’t awful, I spent more time waiting for baggage than I did going through passport control and customs. One snafu on our layover in JFK, but that was just a fluke.  Also, they lost one of M’s suitcases, it ended up on a later flight than we did, and while it was supposed to be here by 7-ish PM we got a call then that it had only just been picked up.  The boy waited until 10PM and still no bag.  We are sincerely hoping that it doesn’t come while we are at the kennel collecting the puppy.

All in all, madrid was lovely, but damn am I glad to be home.

Personality Test Results

Jung Test Results

Extroverted (E) 63.41% Introverted (I) 36.59%
Intuitive (N) 52.63% Sensing (S) 47.37%
Thinking (T) 83.87% Feeling (F) 16.13%
Judging (J) 54.84% Perceiving (P) 45.16%

Your type is: ENTJ

ENTJ – “Field Marshall”. The basic driving force and need is to lead. Tend to seek a position of responsibility and enjoys being an executive. 1.8% of total population.

Take Free Jung Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Enneagram Test Results

The Enneagram is a personality system which divides the entire human personality into nine behavioral tendencies, this is your score on each…

type score type behavior motivation

9 25 I must maintian a peaceful and easygoing environment to be happy.
7 24 I must be high and entertained to be happy.
8 24 I must be strong and in control to be happy.
1 21 I must be perfect and good to be happy.
3 21 I must be impressive and attractive to be happy.

Enneagram Test Results

Type 1 Perfectionism |||||||||||||||| 70%
Type 2 Helpfulness |||||||||||| 46%
Type 3 Image Awareness |||||||||||||||| 70%
Type 4 Sensitivity || 10%
Type 5 Detachment |||||||||||| 50%
Type 6 Anxiety |||||||||||| 43%
Type 7 Adventurousness |||||||||||||||||| 80%
Type 8 Aggressiveness |||||||||||||||||| 80%
Type 9 Calmness |||||||||||||||||||| 83%

Your main type is 9
Your variant is sexual


Main type

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

How I spent my afternoon..

I sat there.

She was facing me.  Coy and round.  Her supple flesh begging for my touch.

I reached out, cupping her roundness in my hand.  Feeling the weight and texture on my palm.

I brought my other hand up, cupping the same bit of flesh, steadying it.  I dug my nails in until I felt them penetrates that soft covering.  Peeling it away revealing what I really wanted.

I discarded the covering and continued my delving into her sweet folds.  With a gentle finger I separated her folds peeling them away to get to the sweet juicy flesh beneath.

I took that sweet juicy part right into my mouth and bit down.  She exploded into my mouth and I smiled.

How could one not be happy when eating una mandarina?

(Yes, I just described peeling a piece of citrus and eating it.)

San Lorenzo de El Escorial

Just a few snaps from earlier today!


Sexual education for your iPhone!


Texas Rabbi Creates Sex Ed AppHouston, TX Dec 22, 2010 in Education

[prMac.com] Houston, Texas – “An app that grows lesions is sure to get a young person’s attention” says Rabbi Amy Weiss, a Houston rabbi and executive director of Initiative for Jewish Women (IJW). Weiss is the creator of LoveSmarts, an entertaining iPhone app complete with an STI (Sexually Transmitted Infections) killing game to educate people about contraception and sexually transmitted diseases all in the name of tikkun olam, repairing the world.

LoveSmarts is a four part app that provides concise information about sexually transmitted infections and their symptoms, method of treatment and prevention; nine forms of contraception, cost, availability and effectiveness; a link with the Princeton University’s emergency contraception directory by zip code and a game that has a variety of viruses and bacterial infections that a player must kill with the correct “weapon” (antibiotics by injection or pills or topical creams or pills. The LoveSmarts app is available for $.99 through iTunes. Follow LoveSmarts on Facebook.

LoveSmarts is part of There’s Only 1U, the only medically accurate sexuality program taught within a framework of Jewish values. The Initiative for Jewish Women, creator and provider of the program feels strongly that knowledge is power and people 15-25 need to have private, fast access to medically accurate information. In addition to the app, IJW holds overnight retreats for Jewish teens ages 15-18 and offers puberty education for younger students.

Device Requirements:

iPhone, iPod touch, and iPad

Requires iOS 3.1.2 or later (iOS 4.0 Tested)

4.4 MB

Pricing and Availability:LoveSmarts 1.0 is only $0.99 USD (or equivalent amount in other currencies) and available worldwide exclusively through the App Store in the Education category.

LoveSmarts 1.0Purchase and DownloadScreenshotApp IconIJW is a non-profit organization that provides multi-generational programming for liberal Jewish women in Houston, Texas. In addition to sexuality programming, IJW focuses on mentoring younger Jewish women, both professionally and Jewishly and Undies for Everyone, an annual drive to collect new underwear and socks for disadvantaged elementary school children. IJW’s work has a strong focus on tikkun olam, repairing the world.

Copyright (C) 2010 IJW. All Rights Reserved. Apple, the Apple logo, iPhone, iPod and iPad are registered trademarks of Apple Inc. in the U.S. and/or other countries.


Rabbi Amy Weiss

Executive Director



Amusing evening anecdote…

I had to explain what I do to a longtime friend of my bf.  Their friendship dates back to grade-school and they are both approaching late 30s.  I had to stop before I said something and ask, “How much do you want your friend to know of what I do?”

Obviously, being such long friends, my bf was quite fine with me telling his friend about what I do (the modelling and fetish videos).

I had to chuckle to myself because I started to say something and had to pull myself back.  I realized that what I do is so natural to me that I really need to be careful in mixed company.  Not everyone approves of what is it that I do, and I do not want to alienate a loved one because of this.  I, very obviously, do not go spouting, “I do porn!!” in front of my bf’s mother, but in company with his friends I have to be a tad more careful.


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