amusement….

My last post was post #69.  BWAH HA HA.

So, for those who are unaware, all the ranting and whining I’ve been doing recently is related to a flare-up in my damaged nerves in my left arm. This is the first time since the accident that I’ve felt nerve pain like this in the arm.

Back in 2008 on my way home to NH following work in Cambridge, MA, I was in a car accident where my 2004 VW GTI (2-door hatch-back) was struck in the driver’s side door by a full sized Jeep grand cherokee driven by a Brazilian National (who was living in Massachusetts, and had the Jeep registered in his name at a MA address but was NOT a citizen of the US). This driver then spun into oncoming traffic and hit a box truck head on. He refused to give the cops on the scene his wallet for identification. Both he and the box truck driver were taken from the scene in ambulances. I drove my car away, as somehow I was about to walk and talk and while crunched, my car was only missing my driver’s window (half that glass was down my shirt). NONE of my airbags had gone off even though they were fully functional, nor was my car damaged beyond some minor body work and needing a replacement window.

About halfway back to my (at-the-time) girlfriend’s house after the accident (she lived about 10 minutes from my job, 5 minutes from the accident, and around the corner from the hospital I ended up at) I called her and told her to meet me at the ER, something was wrong.

Long story short, I was only a functional human being due to my training in the medical field that included first responder training. My pain levels were maxed, yet, I was fairly coherent, and not in shock even though, the Jeep and Box truck had totaled each other, and I had a pound and a half of shattered driver’s side window in my bra.

The damage I personally sustained were minor scratches and bruising on the outside. However, on the inside, I had broken the lower 3 of my left sided “true” ribs and the top 2 “false” ribs, and bruised the lower false rib and my floating ribs. I also partially dislocated my shoulder, which in doing so frayed the nerves of my left shoulder.

Since the accident I’ve undergone physical therapy on 3 separate occasions, had Xrays and US of the joint, and nerve conduction studies. I have damage, but haven’t torn anything. I even threatened the nerve doc that I was going to hurt him bc it was so painful to have the conduction study. All-in-all I was not damaged enough to warrant surgery but damaged enough to fuck with my life.

Normally, flare-ups require the occasional need for a wrist brace and resting of the arm, but nothing like this time where I was out of work for an entire week and cannot properly take care of myself. When I cannot do things for myself I get down on myself. I do not like NEEDING to depend on others for any reason. I like to have others to depend on, but generally do not need to ask for their help. This flare-up has been physical and mental torture for me. I feel useless, helpless and like a complete burden on those who have to take care of me.

I hope I’m better soon, and not the several months it took me to recover from the accident itself.

Also, pics are of my car pre-smash, and of me 1 week post-smash.

‪#‎TBT‬ ‪#‎nervepainsucks‬ ‪#‎medicalprofessionalsmaketerriblepatients‬1028071558 blend-1028071558a 0909082104 0909081939

Random Thoughts – Fall 2013

2013 has been a rough year for me.  I’ve gone through a lot.  Many major life events have happened to me.

 

I’ll certainly be making a few major posts in the next few months with details, just know that while you may have an idea, or details I’ve given you, my life is an iceberg.

You see only what I allow you to see.

Judge me however you will, but only I know the whole story.

I may not be a nice person, but I am an honest one.  When I throw in the towel, there’s a damned good reason and I do not need to justify my actions to anyone.

Hair

So, I’ve been pinging about in my head since I conceived of shaving my head what it would mean. Hair is a woman’s crowning glory so they say, why on earth would I want to mess with it?

It was not just to jump on a trend. I honestly hadn’t even known it was a trend until someone mentioned it. IT was just a thing I’ve wanted on and off throughout the years. I’ve done faux-hawks, but nothing full tilt boogie like this.

I warned those involved that I might just cry when it happened. I nearly did.

Anyone who heard me discussing it will recall that I’ve repeatedly say “it’s just hair, it’ll grow back” and wonder why I’m making such a big deal of it. Well, I’ll tell you.

I’m fat. There are a handful of compliments that fat girls get regularly.
* Well, at least you have a pretty face.
* You have nice eyes.
* You have gorgeous hair.

Well, being that I have naturally very blonde hair, I got that last one almost as much as the pretty face one. Why is this such a big deal if I love myself as much as I do? Because it was me throwing convention back, leaving myself to live as I desire. Obviously, this I’ve been doing for ages with the hair dying and tattoos and the lack of self-loathing, but this was a physical thing, a tangible thing.

It was the final nail in the coffin of my past.

It was me coming to terms with being the black sheep.

It was me taking a step forward; succumbing to the catharsis; shedding my skin.

It was me being beautiful to me.

Many in my life were on the fence or against it. I can understand and appreciate their concerns about my choices. But as I told them, this wasn’t for them, even if I asked their input.

Processing my actions later I cried. I wept for all the things that I hid behind to get through my past and become the person I am today. I know lots of folks see me as this amazing well put together near perfect being.

News Flash: I’m not.

I’m far from perfect, and I’m a work in progress. That’s ok. I want to be unfinished. I want to be constantly striving to be a better me. Not to benefit anyone other than myself. I want to be a masterpiece in progress, growing, improving, inspiring.

I have been through many things. Most of these things I never share. You don’t need to know what I’ve been through. You just need to know where I am going. If you have been along for the ride then you have been there for the ups and downs. You have a unique perspective on my journey, but it is still my journey.

So, back to hair.

My hair has been complimented, donated, lusted after, and envied. It has always been something that gave me pride and frustration in equal amounts. Shaving my hair in part was to shed myself of my past and also embrace it. It was removing parts of me that others valued differently than myself. It was becoming a better me. It was laying to rest a security blanket.

I still have a lot of hair, but in those 2 side patches, I have freedom to be the me I want to be.Image

Gender Genie Review – 2/3 male

So I put my writing through the Gender Genie:  http://bookblog.net/gender/genie.php

For this post:  https://ladycyanide.wordpress.com/2012/09/07/eng-112-introduction-post/

Words: 481

(NOTE: The genie works best on texts of more than 500 words.)

Female Score: 737
Male Score: 569

The Gender Genie thinks the author of this passage is: female!

 

Well, I’m not too far off center for masculine and feminine writing style, but it did get it right.

 

But, for this post: https://ladycyanide.wordpress.com/2012/09/16/eng-112-ritual-or-how-i-learned-to-stomach-my-family/

 

Words: 964

(NOTE: The genie works best on texts of more than 500 words.)

Female Score: 1391
Male Score: 1682

The Gender Genie thinks the author of this passage is: male!

 

I’m apparently male, but again almost even on score.

 

So I tossed the discussion post in there.

Y’know, this one:  https://ladycyanide.wordpress.com/2012/09/16/eng-112-week-2-discussion-post/

Words: 424

(NOTE: The genie works best on texts of more than 500 words.)

Female Score: 579
Male Score: 651

The Gender Genie thinks the author of this passage is: male!

 

Male again, hmmm..

Updates by bullet! Early 2012 Edition!

Jan

  • busted knee
  • turned 29
  • abandoned all hope

Feb

  • Still with busted knee
  • Flea!!
  • Applied to jobs
  • Continued abandoning hope

March

  • Still with busted knee
  • Started back to work
  • Casual Dating

April

  • Work blows
  • knee improves
  • apply to jobs
  • abandon hopes and dreams
  • Despair

May

  • Apply to jobs
  • have several interviews
  • knee improves
  • quit old job
  • CAMP!
  • CAMP!
  • CAMP!

June

  • CAMP!
  • Start new job
  • hang out with new guy..
  • …a lot
  • Work through lots of issues
  • avoid nilla family
  • see Leather Family
  • Squee over new job
  • Meet lots of new people

Ok, so The beginning of the year was rough mostly due to the busted knee, but things have def picked up.  I’m so pleased with Delta and Camp.  SO. PLEASED.

I hope to keep cultivating the blossoming friendships with the soon-to-be-Deltas as well as strengthen r-ships with existing Deltas and adjacents.

Yeah, this is gonna be good!

Toning

Ok, so I’m not actually trying to lose weight.  However, I am trying to get healthy and toned.

What does that mean?

Well, it means:

  • taking the stairs when I can
  • going for short walks a few times everyday
  • eating throughout the day, not just one large meal
  • Drinking more water.
  • Being more active.

Ok, so Before camp I was 397 lbs. (mid-may 2012)

Latex Dress Early May 2012

Camp 2012, 06/02

After camp I was 392. (Early June 2012)

Mid June 2012

Last week I was 387.  (mid-june 2012)

Today I was 385.  I have muscle tone in my legs where previously I had excess jiggly.  Not the sexy jiggly, the floppy jiggly.

Sorry no pic.

If this path continues by Camp 2013 I’m gonna be built like a brick shithouse!

HAH!

 

ChipIn for my new space!

Ok, so I’ve started a ChipIn page to raise money piecemeal for my new space.  I’m trying to start a multi-use space to host kink demos, parties, and general chicanery.

Please Help!

http://starlitmeow.chipin.com/a-new-space

Loving

Ok, so the 200 Squat Challenge Post was actually a somewhat reactionary post to some things going on in my life as late. 

  1. My mother and I haven’t been speaking for some time now.  Again.  It happened after the Northeast Earthquake.  We reconciled tentatively until the hurricane (Irene?) where she got all super passive agressive again.  We haven’t spoken since except for a mass email I sent to family regarding not moving to CA and a thank you note I received for sending her flowers for her bday.
  2. California.  I love you.  I hate you.  So we got a “No”, but they are still interested to a degree, so we’re somewhat in limbo again.
  3. Work.  It’s like the School posts I made.  Exactly.  Except now I’m getting paid to deal with this crap.  Although not enough.
  4. Weight battles.  This will get it’s own bit below.
  5. Relationship battles.  Might get it’s own post.
  6. General Malaise. Will probably also get it’s own post.

Ok, so weight battles.  M has decided that he didn’t want to by bigger pants so he started to alter his diet some and has lost some pretty considerable amounts of weight.  I’m happy that he’s decided to be healthier, however, it’s been rough going.  M is a high-functioning Aspie, which sometimes leads to him not always catchign on to how something he says might affect soemone.  He knows I’ve had weight issues most of my life, mostly stemming from the wonderfully supportive (sic) family o’ mine.  So, the issue really began to rear it’s ugly head when he would say “Oh, let’s not have dinner at the restaurant we normally eat at b/c it’s too heavy,” or “Do you REALLY want an appetizer?  That’s a lot of food.”

He meant well, but that’s a far nicer way of saying things my parents used to say.  I was ok at first, but it kept eating at me.  I’ve been staying at the same weight range for most of the summer.  I’ve definitely lost some weight, but I hit my plateau.  I think it was mostly stress; between work and CA, I’ve had my share lately. 

Now, some of you might read this and go, WHAT?!  So, to pre-empt that, I still love myself.  I love me as I am, and my main plan is still to tone muscles rather than lose weight, but because of the things M would say I was freaking out in my head and starting paying way too much attention to my weight rather than how I feel.  I was pretty depressed for the past month or 2. 

I decided to just stop. 

M didn’t mean anything against me with his comments, but the combined stress and monotony and general malaise he and I had been experiencing led to a lot of issues including butting heads more than necessary, and lack of sex, and not going out and being bums; none of whihc helped my brain resist the spiraling of depression.  He really does still like me and want me and is attracted to me, but do you think my brain thought that?  Nope.

My brain doesn’t really factor compliments and criticisms in when it tallies my self-worth and self-esteem.  However certain comments can make it twitch a bit.  The funny thing is that even though I was depressed, I still had amazingly high self-esteem, I was just not my super bubbly self.

Ok, enough for one day.  Although in the future, I will be posting about nuymbers 5 and 6.

Mushrooom Lasagna

For the Meat: 

  • 3/4 pound 85% lean ground beef
  • 3/4 to 1 cup dry minced onions
  • 3-4 heaping tablespoons of minced garlic
  • Seasoned Salt

For the mushrooms:

  • 1 tablespoon extra virgin olive oil
  • 1 small onion, coarsely chopped
  • 3 heaping tablespoons minced garlic
  • 1.5 pints baby bella mushrooms, sliced
  • Seasoned Salt
  • 1/3 cup Holland House White Wine with Lemon
  • 2-3 pinches Dried Thyme Leaves
  • Freshly ground black pepper

For the béchamel:

  • 1/4 cup extra virgin olive oil
  • 1/4 cup dried minced onion
  • 1/4 cup sifted all-purpose flour
  • 2 cups milk (may use low-fat milk)
  • Salt and freshly ground pepper

For the lasagna:

  • 1/2 pound lasagna noodles (10 strips Prince brand lasagna noodles)
  • 6-8 ounces Mozarella cheese, shredded
  1. Brown meat in a large skillet over medium-high heat.  Add garlic.  When halfway cooked, add the onion.  Lower heat to medium-low and simmer until fully cooked.  Remove from heat and set aside.
  2. Heat olive oil in a large, heavy skillet over medium heat and add the onion. Cook, stirring often, until tender, 3 to 5 minutes. Add the garlic, stir together for about 30 seconds, then add the mushrooms and salt to taste. Cook, stirring often, until the mushrooms begin to soften and to sweat, about 5 minutes. Add the wine. Cook, stirring, until the liquid boils down and glazes the mushrooms, 5 to 10 minutes. Add thyme. Bring to a simmer, add salt, and cook over medium-high heat, stirring often, until the mushrooms are thoroughly tender and fragrant and the surrounding broth has reduced by a little more than half, about 10 to 15 minutes. Remove from the heat, stir in some freshly ground pepper, taste and adjust salt.
  3. Meanwhile, make the béchamel. Heat the oil over medium heat in a heavy saucepan. Add onion and cook, stirring, until softened, about 3 minutes. Stir in the flour and cook, stirring, for about 3 minutes, until smooth and bubbling, but not browned. It should have the texture of wet sand. Whisk in the milk all at once and bring to a simmer, whisking all the while, until the mixture begins to thicken. Turn the heat to very low and simmer, stirring often with a whisk and scraping the bottom and edges of the pan with a rubber spatula, for 10 to 15 minutes, until the sauce is thick and has lost its raw-flour taste. Season with salt and pepper. Pour while hot into the pan with the mushrooms.
  4. Assemble the lasagna. Heat the oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit. Use Canola Baking Spray on a 9×12 Pyrex baking dish. Bring a large pot of water to a boil, salt generously and add lasagna noodles.  Cook only until flexible, and using tongs or a skimmer, remove from the pan strain into a collander. Place 3 noodles across the bottom of the greased dish.  Pour meat mixture into dish until a thin layer covers the noodles.  Put 3 more noodles across the meat. Spoon entire mushroom mixture on the noodles.  Place 4 noodles across the top.  Bake 30 minutes. Remove the foil.  Cover the top in Mozarella cheese.   Bake uncovered for 10 minutes.  Remove from oven and let sit for 5-10 minutes.  Serve hot or warm.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Original recipe: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/12/health/nutrition/12recipehealth.html?_r=1&pagewanted=print

Mushroom Lasagna
By MARTHA ROSE SHULMAN
This lasagna tastes very rich, even though it really isn’t. It combines an olive oil béchamel with a simple mushroom ragout and Parmesan cheese. I prefer no-boil lasagna noodles because they’re lighter than regular lasagna noodles. But I still boil them because I think the results are better if they’re cooked until they’re flexible (a couple of minutes) first.

For the mushrooms:

1 ounce (about 1 cup) dried porcini or shiitake mushrooms

1 tablespoon extra virgin olive oil

2 shallots or 1 small onion, finely chopped

2 to 3 garlic cloves, minced

1 pound cremini mushrooms, sliced

Salt

1/2 cup fruity red wine, such as a Côtes du Rhône or Syrah

1 teaspoon fresh thyme leaves

Freshly ground pepper

For the béchamel:

2 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil

2 tablespoons minced shallot or onion

2 tablespoons sifted all-purpose flour

2 cups milk (may use low-fat milk)

Salt and freshly ground pepper

For the lasagna:

1/2 pound no-boil lasagna noodles

4 ounces Parmesan cheese, grated (1 cup)

A few leaves of fresh sage (optional)

1. Place the dried mushrooms in a glass measuring cup and pour 2 cups boiling water over them. Let soak 30 minutes, while you prepare the other ingredients. Place a strainer over a bowl, line it with cheesecloth or paper towels, and drain the mushrooms. Squeeze the mushrooms over the strainer to extract all the flavorful juices. If using shiitakes, cut away and discard the stems. Then rinse the mushrooms, away from the bowl with the soaking liquid, until they are free of sand. Squeeze dry and set aside. Chop coarsely. Measure out 1 1/2 cups of the soaking liquid and set aside.

2. Heat 1 tablespoon olive oil in a large, heavy skillet over medium heat and add the shallots or onion. Cook, stirring often, until tender, 3 to 5 minutes. Add the garlic, stir together for about 30 seconds, then add the fresh and reconstituted mushrooms and salt to taste. Cook, stirring often, until the mushrooms begin to soften and to sweat, about 5 minutes. Add the wine and turn the heat to high. Cook, stirring, until the liquid boils down and glazes the mushrooms, 5 to 10 minutes. Add thyme and stir in the mushroom soaking liquid. Bring to a simmer, add salt, and cook over medium-high heat, stirring often, until the mushrooms are thoroughly tender and fragrant and the surrounding broth has reduced by a little more than half, about 10 to 15 minutes. Remove from the heat, stir in some freshly ground pepper, taste and adjust salt.

3. Meanwhile, make the béchamel. Heat the oil over medium heat in a heavy saucepan. Add the shallot or onion and cook, stirring, until softened, about 3 minutes. Stir in the flour and cook, stirring, for about 3 minutes, until smooth and bubbling, but not browned. It should have the texture of wet sand. Whisk in the milk all at once and bring to a simmer, whisking all the while, until the mixture begins to thicken. Turn the heat to very low and simmer, stirring often with a whisk and scraping the bottom and edges of the pan with a rubber spatula, for 10 to 15 minutes, until the sauce is thick and has lost its raw-flour taste. Season with salt and pepper. Strain while hot into the pan with the mushrooms.

4. Assemble the lasagna. Heat the oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit. Oil or butter a 2-quart rectangular baking dish. Bring a large pot of water to a boil, salt generously and add 3 or 4 lasagna noodles, just the number you need for one layer. Cook only until flexible, and using tongs or a skimmer, remove from the pan and set on a kitchen towel to drain. Spoon a thin layer of béchamel and mushrooms over the bottom of the dish. Top with a layer of noodles. Spread a ladleful of the mushroom/béchamel mixture over the noodles and top with a layer of Parmesan. Cook the next layer of noodles and continue to repeat the layers (I get three layers in my pan), ending with a layer of the mushroom/béchamel mixture topped with Parmesan. Cover with foil and place in the oven. Bake 30 minutes. Remove the foil, and if you want the edges of the noodles crispy and the top lightly browned, continue to bake uncovered for another 5 to 10 minutes. Serve hot or warm.

Advance preparation: The mushrooms can be cooked up to 4 days before the lasagna is assembled and baked. The béchamel can be made a day ahead. Whisk well and reheat gently before straining into the mushrooms and assembling the lasagna. The assembled lasagna can be tightly covered and refrigerated for a day before baking. Leftovers will keep for 3 or 4 days. Reheat in a low oven or in a microwave.

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