My last post was post #69.  BWAH HA HA.

So, for those who are unaware, all the ranting and whining I’ve been doing recently is related to a flare-up in my damaged nerves in my left arm. This is the first time since the accident that I’ve felt nerve pain like this in the arm.

Back in 2008 on my way home to NH following work in Cambridge, MA, I was in a car accident where my 2004 VW GTI (2-door hatch-back) was struck in the driver’s side door by a full sized Jeep grand cherokee driven by a Brazilian National (who was living in Massachusetts, and had the Jeep registered in his name at a MA address but was NOT a citizen of the US). This driver then spun into oncoming traffic and hit a box truck head on. He refused to give the cops on the scene his wallet for identification. Both he and the box truck driver were taken from the scene in ambulances. I drove my car away, as somehow I was about to walk and talk and while crunched, my car was only missing my driver’s window (half that glass was down my shirt). NONE of my airbags had gone off even though they were fully functional, nor was my car damaged beyond some minor body work and needing a replacement window.

About halfway back to my (at-the-time) girlfriend’s house after the accident (she lived about 10 minutes from my job, 5 minutes from the accident, and around the corner from the hospital I ended up at) I called her and told her to meet me at the ER, something was wrong.

Long story short, I was only a functional human being due to my training in the medical field that included first responder training. My pain levels were maxed, yet, I was fairly coherent, and not in shock even though, the Jeep and Box truck had totaled each other, and I had a pound and a half of shattered driver’s side window in my bra.

The damage I personally sustained were minor scratches and bruising on the outside. However, on the inside, I had broken the lower 3 of my left sided “true” ribs and the top 2 “false” ribs, and bruised the lower false rib and my floating ribs. I also partially dislocated my shoulder, which in doing so frayed the nerves of my left shoulder.

Since the accident I’ve undergone physical therapy on 3 separate occasions, had Xrays and US of the joint, and nerve conduction studies. I have damage, but haven’t torn anything. I even threatened the nerve doc that I was going to hurt him bc it was so painful to have the conduction study. All-in-all I was not damaged enough to warrant surgery but damaged enough to fuck with my life.

Normally, flare-ups require the occasional need for a wrist brace and resting of the arm, but nothing like this time where I was out of work for an entire week and cannot properly take care of myself. When I cannot do things for myself I get down on myself. I do not like NEEDING to depend on others for any reason. I like to have others to depend on, but generally do not need to ask for their help. This flare-up has been physical and mental torture for me. I feel useless, helpless and like a complete burden on those who have to take care of me.

I hope I’m better soon, and not the several months it took me to recover from the accident itself.

Also, pics are of my car pre-smash, and of me 1 week post-smash.

‪#‎TBT‬ ‪#‎nervepainsucks‬ ‪#‎medicalprofessionalsmaketerriblepatients‬1028071558 blend-1028071558a 0909082104 0909081939

Random Thoughts – Fall 2013

2013 has been a rough year for me.  I’ve gone through a lot.  Many major life events have happened to me.


I’ll certainly be making a few major posts in the next few months with details, just know that while you may have an idea, or details I’ve given you, my life is an iceberg.

You see only what I allow you to see.

Judge me however you will, but only I know the whole story.

I may not be a nice person, but I am an honest one.  When I throw in the towel, there’s a damned good reason and I do not need to justify my actions to anyone.

10 days? I’ll do 1, thanks.

(reblogged from my fetlife profile)

10 days? I’ll do 1, thanks.
Journal Entry | 2 Love It | about 1 month ago

Ok, so I do agree it’s not the worst thing to have the 10 day thing, but like my friend and fellow Delta Reprobate, Kanin, I know I won’t make the effort to login each day to post a new day, so here goes, all 10 at once!

Day One:
10 things you want to say to 10 different people right now.

Day Two:
Nine things about yourself.

Day Three:
Eight ways to win your heart.

Day Four:
Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

Day Five:
Six things you wish you’d never done.

Day Six:
Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever).

Day Seven:
Four turn-offs.

Day Eight:
Three turn-ons.

Day Nine:
Two images that describe your life right now, and why.

Day Ten:
One confession.

10 Things to 10 people

1) Spaniard – I love you. You love me even though I have done everything I can to show you what a silly decision that is. Thank you for loving me.
2) Grant – I admire your organizational fetish.
3) Kanin – I admire your long game patience.
4) Rumpus – You rock, love!
5) Roxxanne – My twin, we are so alike and so different and I cherish that.
6) FNG – You had the balls to pursue me even when I did everything to try to put up a wall.
7) Delta Sigma – You are my family. I cherish each of you and all the shenanigans.
8) The old New England ALT Crew – You all took me in when I was new to New England even though I was an anomaly, I still value each of you and hold you as a friend.
9) Grace – your quiet nature belies what an articulate and thoughtful individual I have come to know of you. I am glad to count you among my friends.
10) Louisa – your off colour humor and constant smiles are infectious, and I love it!

9 things about The Poison Lady

1) I am 5’9”.
2) I have been into kink since I hit puberty more than half my life ago.
3) I was spanking ass before I lost my virginity.
4) I am the Honorable Pledge Mistress of a wonderful group of reprobates called Delta Sigma. (official title is Director of Membership)
5) I am polyamorous.
6) I have done porn and currently model pinup and fetish styles
7) I have a vice for corsets and lingerie.
8) I currently have 5 tattoos, and each means something special to me.
9) I am a great person to know and one you never want to cross.

Eight Ways to win my heart

1) Be an interesting conversationalist.
2) Teach me a skill.
3) Be of use to me.
4) Be sensitive but not an emotional mess.
5) Be able to take it.
6) Be able to dish as well as you take it.
7) Challenge me mentally and physically.
8) Take direction well (not necessarily submissive, but when I say something understand there’s a damned good reason.)

Seven things that distract me regularly

1) Hot Make-outs
2) Corsets
3) Fluffy things
4) “Am I really an adult?”
5) Shiny
6) The weather
7) What else I could be doing right now.

Six regrets

So, I don’t’ actually regret anything. There are some choices I wish I had made better, but the people we are is a sum of our experiences. That said here’s 6 decisions that weren’t the best.

1) Staying in an abusive relationship across 2 half country moves.
2) Allowing my family to abuse me under the ruse of family.
3) Moving to Texas (goes along with #1)
4) Allowing others to define me for a chunk of time (during which I met the person in #1)
5) Not making my needs known.
6) Not getting my needs met.

5 Gold Rings

• Spaniard
• Roxxanne
• Delta Sigma
• Bear and Angel

4 Nos

1) Death
2) Dismemberment
3) Hubris
4) Lack of Common Sense

3 Yesses

1) Intellect
2) Resiliency
3) Hot breathy reactions

2 pretty pictures

So, since I’m actually doing this at work, I’ll have to post the pics at a later date.

And a partridge in a pear tree.

Bless me father for I have sinned, and I don’t’ regret a single thing.

My confession is that I am an imperfect being. I am unfinished and rough around the edges, and while I will push everyone away and keep them at arm’s length, I, too, need love and care.


So, I’ve been pinging about in my head since I conceived of shaving my head what it would mean. Hair is a woman’s crowning glory so they say, why on earth would I want to mess with it?

It was not just to jump on a trend. I honestly hadn’t even known it was a trend until someone mentioned it. IT was just a thing I’ve wanted on and off throughout the years. I’ve done faux-hawks, but nothing full tilt boogie like this.

I warned those involved that I might just cry when it happened. I nearly did.

Anyone who heard me discussing it will recall that I’ve repeatedly say “it’s just hair, it’ll grow back” and wonder why I’m making such a big deal of it. Well, I’ll tell you.

I’m fat. There are a handful of compliments that fat girls get regularly.
* Well, at least you have a pretty face.
* You have nice eyes.
* You have gorgeous hair.

Well, being that I have naturally very blonde hair, I got that last one almost as much as the pretty face one. Why is this such a big deal if I love myself as much as I do? Because it was me throwing convention back, leaving myself to live as I desire. Obviously, this I’ve been doing for ages with the hair dying and tattoos and the lack of self-loathing, but this was a physical thing, a tangible thing.

It was the final nail in the coffin of my past.

It was me coming to terms with being the black sheep.

It was me taking a step forward; succumbing to the catharsis; shedding my skin.

It was me being beautiful to me.

Many in my life were on the fence or against it. I can understand and appreciate their concerns about my choices. But as I told them, this wasn’t for them, even if I asked their input.

Processing my actions later I cried. I wept for all the things that I hid behind to get through my past and become the person I am today. I know lots of folks see me as this amazing well put together near perfect being.

News Flash: I’m not.

I’m far from perfect, and I’m a work in progress. That’s ok. I want to be unfinished. I want to be constantly striving to be a better me. Not to benefit anyone other than myself. I want to be a masterpiece in progress, growing, improving, inspiring.

I have been through many things. Most of these things I never share. You don’t need to know what I’ve been through. You just need to know where I am going. If you have been along for the ride then you have been there for the ups and downs. You have a unique perspective on my journey, but it is still my journey.

So, back to hair.

My hair has been complimented, donated, lusted after, and envied. It has always been something that gave me pride and frustration in equal amounts. Shaving my hair in part was to shed myself of my past and also embrace it. It was removing parts of me that others valued differently than myself. It was becoming a better me. It was laying to rest a security blanket.

I still have a lot of hair, but in those 2 side patches, I have freedom to be the me I want to be.Image

Me in the 1930s

Bottom Line, I’m not a spouse. I took both of these as me, in each instance I pictured the Spainard as the listed spouse, and in one instance pictured the puppy as the child (happy to see when come home). Amusing overall. The scale is 0-whatever. I scored negative on both.


As a 1930s wife, I am
Very Poor (Failure)

Take the test!


As a 1930s husband, I am
Very Poor (Failure)

Take the test!

Reading response

4) Watch one episode of either the Daily Show with Jon Stewart or the Colbert Report and discuss how the show, successfully or not, tries to use humor to make serious points about political and/or social issues.

Timing on punchline delivery is key for a joke to have the right impact.  This is evident in each episode of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and The Colbert Report.  Both Mr. Stewart and Mr. Colbert have impeccable comedic timing and have lent these abilities to political and social commentary.  Pew research has reported that due to this viewers are more knowledgeable about current events than those who receive their news via any other news source[1].  I’d mark that as successful!

Each show is broken down into several segments.  The first segment is always the headlines; those great stories that are making the headlines in major publications and local/national news programs.  These are presented in a manner that sheds light on the issues as well as pokes fun at the key players.  This approach allows the viewers to associate more amicably to the issues at hand and form an opinion upon discussions with peers.  The next 2 segments generally involve guests.  Whether through a discussion panel or outside reporting, these segments prove educational in areas the typical news source would not.  There are presentations of new publications, speeches, and conventions.  Each guest brings a unique viewpoint even if it differs greatly from the host’s.  This proves amazingly effective at providing more balanced information to the masses.

Overall, while sometimes these shows are very silly, they do provide a broad range of topics to folks who may have become disenchanted with traditional news sources that have become a joke[2].  Humor is not for everyone, but if it gets people informed, perhaps they will become more involved citizens and as a united front advocate for change.

ENG 112 – Ritual: Or How I Learned To Stomach My Family

 Ritual: Or How I Learned To Stomach My Family

There is a reason that every time the seasons change from sunny to frigid I begin to experience panic and dread.  A notion in that chilled air makes me take up bad habits again to relieve the impending stress of a yearly process; the ritual of the “holidays”.  Rituals are processes that are followed time and time again often handed down among generations and become part of a tradition.  In modern times, we often aren’t even sure why we do these things, but we do them, “because it is expected.”  My question is, “Should we?”

Rituals are typically religious in nature, and many of the holidays that I participate in originated in religion (e.g. Christmas, Easter, Valentine’s Day, etc.), but are not celebrated as religiously any longer.  Take Christmas for instance, Santa Claus was a saint, but he is not the origin of Christmas.  Most kids only think of Christmas as a time to get presents in stockings from a fat guy in a red suit with many reindeer, not that it is the celebration of Jesus’ birth.  My grandfather made sure we all knew that it was Jesus’ birthday.  At midnight Christmas Eve, when we placed the baby Jesus into the nativity, he would bring out a little birthday cake and we would all sing “Happy Birthday” to the manger.

Oxford dictionaries online defines ritual as, “A religious or solemn ceremony consisting of a series of actions performed according to a prescribed order,” and also as, “a series of actions or type of behavior regularly and invariably followed by someone.”  While looking in from the outside, other folks may not see what my family does each year as a ritual; it certainly is one for us.  The same way my panic and dread happen leading up to these holidays are for me.

My family was (and still is for the most part) strict Irish Catholic.  Me?  I am not a fan of holidays, religion, nor my family.  Not so much, though I still participate in these traditions with my family because it is about family more than religious basis for me.  I participate in these rituals for the sake of keeping peace with my family.  Each winter I drink more and I smoke more and travel hundreds of miles to sleep under my relatives’ roofs so that I can sing “Happy Birthday” to a religious icon I do not believe in because it is a ritual, it is expected.

My ritual, of drinking and smoking and travel, exists so that I can maintain the family ritual.  I don’t agree with it.  Rituals became as they were as a means to bring people together and to control an otherwise chaotic brood.  It is often said religion is an opiate of the masses.  This is unsurprising as religion is a series of rituals.  Ritual is great for those who need it, but unwelcome for those who care not for it.  Perhaps it is because I am of a different generation and not inclined to be a part of the crowd but rather stand apart from it.  Even still, I see others of my age bracket happily following in the steps my family begs and pleads with “God” that I should follow.

I have personal rituals that I do for mundane things, such as my commute, that have pre-ordained steps and rhythms.  These aren’t comforting but they are a necessary evil.  The holidays are to be a time of cheer and togetherness, and they cause me stress and anxiety.  The expectation of the ritual, the scripted actions of each relative, it is enough to drive one crazy.  I was not made for such things.

Now, dear reader, you may find yourself balking at my traditions and values, but think to yourself, might I not do the same to yours?  Rituals are precious to each of us for different reasons.  You may value your family and holidays with relatives and everything you do; I simply value my ritual of avoiding such things when I can.  Sentimental is not a word used to describe me, and sentiment is a huge part of ritual.  I live in the moment and look to the future, ritual lives in a reproduction of the past time and time again.

Now, to be fair, I am not a total grinch.  I enjoy giving and receiving presents and spending time with people of my choosing.  I simply prefer to do these things in my own time, not because it is Festivus.   I travel each year to see my family because the rest of the year I do essentially only contact them sparingly and “Drunk Aunt Cookie” tells some rather amusing stories (some I’ve only heard twice before) during the Digestif and the children (cousins all 10+ years younger than I) are growing.  I see them because even though most of the time I dislike them, I do love them because they did what they thought was right for me.  I see them once a year because what they felt was right wasn’t right for me.

I suppose, when it comes down to it, ritual could be truly defined is the set of actions you do around a particular event or time that are special to you.  These may be deemed proper or improper by those in society, but really it should only matter if they feel proper to you.  I feel ritual is silly and antiquated, but that is only my opinion.  Far be it from me to prevent you from travelling hours to see your family to exchange tchotchkes for Hanukkah.  And really if you don’t like the ritual, change it, adapt it, make it work for you.


“Ritual.”  Oxford Dictionaries.  2012. Web. 14 Sep. 2012.

ENG 112 – Week 2 Discussion Post

Week 2 discussion post

Is “abstinence only” the best sex-education policy for schools to promote?

Simply put? No.

More clarification needed? Oh, F*CK NO!

Ok, allow me to explain….

No, there is too much; allow me to sum up:

If abstinence only sexual education was the best option it wouldn’t have such a high failure rate.

Twelve to twenty year olds and over 55 years olds are the two groups with the highest number of new cases of Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, and Syphilis. Is it surprising that those are the two groups who have primarily been subjected to abstinence only sexual education? I think it’s very telling that those two facts correlate. Teen pregnancy is diminishing in areas where students have access to safer sex education as opposed to abstinence only sexual education. Safer sex education doesn’t make more students have sex, but it does make those who do have sex choose to be smarter about it. It allows those who do choose to have sex to take better precautions to prevent unwanted pregnancy and disease.

Having worked with LGBTQ adolescents and young adults as well as in a traditional OB/GYN setting, I am honestly appalled at the quality of sexual education available to the average person. This is one of the reasons that I lecture on safer sex practices. I am horrified at the number of people who don’t even know how their own bodies work, let alone enough to protect themselves from disease and unwanted pregnancy. Politics and religion spend too much time shaming humans than allowing them to be the complex creatures they are. Some religions even prevent medical intervention in basic health cases. Politics allowed a young girl to die because a life-saving treatment for leukemia would put her unwanted fetus at risk, and abortion was against the law in that country. If you didn’t hear, both mother and fetus died. I can only wonder if the girl would have survived if she had used a condom.

When I worked in the LGBTQ community I thought a lot of the ignorance was due to a lack of resources for the LGBTQ community specifically, but I found through working in the traditional OB/GYN that the lack of information and mountain of disinformation was for all demographics.

Ever play whisper down the lane? Sexual misinformation is very similar to a large game of whisper down the lane. Even if the original bit of information had a modicum of truth, the end result is nothing like the original bit.

Legitimate rape, anyone?

ENG 112 – Introduction Post

Once upon a time, in a kingdom far away known as Philadelphia, a little demon was born.  She was of blonde hair and blue eyes and a self-possessed demeanor that was well beyond her years.  Adopted by a gentle couple and raised in Southern New Jersey, she knew she would not remain there for long.  Though she has changed locations throughout her years, her sharp tongue has remained a part of who she is.  Currently residing in the hamlet of Malden in the shire of Massachusetts, she maintains an identity as a Pinup Model, Costumer, Sex Educator and self-described Buxom Brazen Bitch.

She entered into the medical field via Veterinary medicine, though through several fits and starts with extenuating circumstances including the loss of her father to liver cancer; she left the animal sciences for human medicine.  Originally taking an interest in Holistic and Adolescent Psychology she soon found herself as an ad hoc sexual health counselor for her peers and colleagues; a role that she did exceedingly well with.  Realizing that there was a dearth of open-minded sex-positive medical professionals in her communities, she found her calling.  A small amount of research and a few sleepless nights later she had a plan, the end goal of which would seat this rogue with a Doctoral degree in Practical Nursing focusing on Sexual Health and Counseling.

Always the self-starter, the internet provided this burgeoning force with a means to sate her lust for knowledge.  Online college courses allowed her to pursue her career as well as a degree to further the very same.  Modern technology has provided her with the ability to take these courses while logging hours at one of the leading HIV research centers in the Boston Metro area, work late into the night crafting wonderful pieces of art, or travel to conventions where she lectures on safer sex practices and interpersonal relations in complex settings.

From a young age this little monster was schooled in the ways of grammar and diction as her maternal figure was one of the teachers of English in a suburban school and drilled the creature incessantly demanding better than perfection.  While tedious, this served the young one well in her later years, though it often caused her to be bored in literature classes further in her education as she had read the classics when she was still wee.  She always enjoyed writing and had an off-beat way of presenting information that lent itself well to her role as presenter at conferences; while her attention to detail served her well in her research and professional writing career.

Having lived the life of a nomad for several years, this hellion knows well the benefit of tempering one’s expectations.  She enters into each endeavor with an open mind, a hopeful spirit, and a solid plan to poke as much fun as she can at nearly everything.

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