Persona is only skin deep?

In the thinking about potential cancer and what that would mean if I got a confirmed diagnosis.  Treatment would likely lead to me losing several physical traits I’ve come to be very acquainted with and known for as well.  

Breast cancer treatment if it would be what I need to deal with would cause me to lose my chest and my hair at a minimum as well as likely a lot of weight.  I really try to push the looks aren’t everything card, but let’s face it kids.

We are all shallow.

It made me think.  Really ponder.  How much of my persona is tied up in my looks?  How much of my confidence is because I own the quirks of my body?  Would I still be “me” if I wasn’t this buxom force with a flowing mane?

Probably.

But is there a chance that my whole persona would be altered irreparably?

Possibly.

My contact cards are based on my chest tats.  If I had to have a radical double mastectomy would they be saved?  If I lost all my hair would I still be remembered for all my crazy pinup hairsyles and funky hair colours?  Would it change my passion for costuming?  Would it ruin it?

Would I still be attractive to those who love me?  To those who are attracted to me now?  Would it ruin my modeling?  

So many thoughts.

The fear….

Working in the medical field has its ups and downs.  Positives and negatives.  One positive is that I know a lot about a lot of things.  

 

It is also a negative.

 

So, for the past several months I’ve noticed lumpier spots in my breasts.  Yes, breasts are fibrous, and larger breasts tend to be lumpier.  But these are different than my usual lumpiness.

“Why am I concerned?” you may ask.

Well, Back in 2007/2008 I had a lump that was a cause of concern.   I had to have an ultrasound and had several punch biopsies done.  Result:  Abnormal tissue that did not immediately present as malignant.  Plan:  Monitor for any changes.

Great.

Except I’ve had run-ins with many types of cancers over my short life.  Cervical, uterine, ovarian, skin multiple times, breast once already.  Sure, I joke about being lungs of liver next with my drinking and smoking habits, but it’s meant to be light and airy, even though it really conceals a fear I have.

I have a limited Family medical history as I am adopted, but I have a maternal aunt who had breast cancer and ovarian cancer, and skin cancer runs in the family.

Back to the present day.

I have several breast lumps that are firm almost hard and will wake me up in the middle of the night with level 8-9/10 stabbing pain that brings me to tears more often than not.  Being in the medical field and with my personal medical history, I know what this points to.

I have appointments this Thursday to get the full once over with PCP and specialists I regularly see.  (I missed an appointment in October with the move and all).  But I’ve started stressing out.

FNG has promised to go with me, which is majorly helpful, and I’m very grateful for.  I still have the fear.

 

Shorter Updates