Lost

I keep failing.

I can’t support anyone in my life and I keep withdrawing from everyone.  I spend more time in tears than happy.  I try my best to hide it, but you cannot hide forever.

I am trying so hard to keep everything together that I’m fulfilling my fears.  People are distancing themselves from me and as much as I try to keep them around I know I’m pushing them away also.  Frustrations arise with me and my situation; people want nothing to do with it.

I’m breaking down.  I keep trying to pick myself up before I hit bottom, but I keep sliding down.  I know it hurts people who care about me to watch me self-destruct and they cannot do anything about it.  I just want to withdraw from everyone and everything completely so I can hit bottom without the worry of hurting those around me.

I keep going through the motions every day, but all I want to do is curl in a ball and completely give up.  

I want to have plans to do things to move forward but every time I think about it I get so overwhelmed with everything I freeze.  It is a vicious cycle.  I need to unpack my things at the new place, but I worry about having to pack everything back up again when I get kicked out due to my own inaction and issues.

My life is a roller coaster.  Ups and downs, hard turns, and a little bit of thrill and fear.  I just keep waiting for the car to run off the track and just fail catastrophically.  

I just want to disappear.  Forever.

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