Feeling like a third wheel…

It really sucks when you feel like an accessory to your own relationship. The past 2 weekends I have had serious fights with my primary. This is really shitty. It comes on the tails of feeling far less desired in my own relationship than I have in the entire 2 years we were together. I’ve felt like I’m just a necessary evil.

The primary is a genuinely nice guy. He’s also the sort to not openly acknowledge the expiration date of a relationship. I, on the other hand, am often too quick on the draw. All that aside, I really feel like I’m just a worthless waste of space that is far more of a hinderance than a girlfriend.

He says it’s not true, but given his nice guy nature, I am not entirely sure I believe that he is being 100% truthful.

this back to back fighting has me looking for apts and trying to figure out how I’m gonna survive. These are the times that I get my darkest; when something I have depended on for so long just whips itself out from under my feet, yet tells me that everything is fine they are just annoyed.

I’m avoiding being in the same room right now b/c I don’t want to be actively ignored. Being ignored b/c I’m in a different room is at least my choice to be ignored, and not adding insult to injury by being ignored in the same space.

My head is a dark dark place right now. I am swirling out of control. I need little signs that I’m not worthless and that I am desired and wanted and I’m getting nothing. not even after the discussion last week about needing these things. I currently feel that everything I have accomplished in every aspect of my life is a farce. I am wondering why it’s even worth it. I want to know why I should bother continuing. I dont’ know what’s real and what’s fake anymore. I feel like to not exist would be an improvement on the current situation.

I. HATE. THIS.

This downward spiral thinking. it’s nto doing anyone any good and yet I can’t stop. Every time I do it sneaks back in. It’s a constant battle, and I’m not winning right now. The default is to pretend the world is ok and be overly snarky and sarcastic, but I am too apathetic to pretend right now.

I need to go somewhere and do something.

I need to be appreciated, genuinely so.

To add insult to injury, something so minute from earlier in the week is plaguing me. I was feeling better, and applied to school and took some forward steps towards some of my goals and sent a nice email to my mother (we’d been speaking awhile) and I get back the response, “Good for you.”

A fucking period!

and that was the entire contents of her reply. I had stated I was excited and that’s all I got back.

Yeah, so in my current state of feeling less than myself, that keeps popping up on my radar. The kick myself when Im down sort of thing. For all intents and purposes my life IS going well except for the relationship snafus and my mother, but she has always been bipolar in her interactions with me.

I just wish I could haul myself out of this pit of despair. It’s really unhealthy, and could be exceedingly detrimental if I allow it to continue much further. It is approaching critical levels of darkness.

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