Mother, dear…

My mother is one of the most infuriating people in my life.  She requires care and coddling and I’m really not that kow-towing sort of person.

She has always infuriated me, never accepting me for the fabulous person I am, always telling me that I was not enough.  Not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough – all around not enough.

For a long time – too long a time – I really craved her acceptance.  I suffered for it.  Pushed myself too hard, too far, too much.  My health, mental and physical, suffered for it.  My self-esteem was the worst it had ever been.

Then I grew up.

I was an adult, but I realized that she was just a person.  She was nothing special.  She didn’t deserve an award for adopting me.  She wasn’t some martyr or saint.  She was just another human, just one who happened to purchase me from someone who truly didn’t want me.

Sure, I am very glad I wasn’t raised by the folks who spawned me.  There’s a whole other blog post on that, will be some time before I’m willing to publicly share that story.  However, adopting me does not give you the right to verbally degrade and belittle me, even if you think it IS for my own benefit.

Most recently, she moved.  Now, 2 weeks prior to this she attended my graduation, one I attended ONLY to impress her, b/c she’s hella sentimental.  Anyone who has read any of my rants on school knows I wanted to just be finished with that whole process.  When we left she was going to contact me with the new address, phone number, etc.  The week of the move I had nothing.  After pestering a bit I got an address and a promise to send me an email when she gets her new number.  Ok, fine, balls in her court, right?

HA!

Move Date:  31 August, 2010

Email from Mother:  6 September, 2010 A WEEK LATER!!!

Sent: Monday, September 06, 2010 5:00 PM
To: ME
Subject:

I am not settled in my new home. Here’s my address and #

(Address removed for security)

I respond:

To: Mom

Sent: Monday, September 06, 2010 5:31 PM

Subject: RE:

Why aren’t you settled?

Love,

(name removed)

31 minutes after original I reply….which was the second I had checked it.

Sent: Monday, September 06, 2010 5:42 PM
To: ME
Subject: Re:

I meant now settled

That’s it, one line.

To: Mom

Sent: Monday, September 06, 2010 6:28 PM

Subject: RE:

OH!  Ok, I was about to get very concerned.

I’ve updated your new phone number and address!

Glad things are going well!  I’ve been busy with externship doin’ 40 hours a week there.  There been an opening in the OB/GYN dept at NEMC so I’m thinking I’m going to apply for the job.

Hope the new house is awesome!

Love,

(name removed)

Polite, no?

Sent: Monday, September 06, 2010 6:34 PM
To: ME
Subject: Re:

Gee Thank you so much for your support.

Rude much?

To: Mom

Sent: Monday, September 06, 2010 7:07 PM

Subject: RE:

What’s wrong?

I would have called you but I didn’t have a phone number for you until today.

~L

Confused….

Sent: Tuesday, September 07, 2010 5:30 PM
To: ME
Subject: Re:

You are the most important person in this world to me. You know I will always have your back, no matter what. But we are at the point where we need to talk to each other as women. If you are not interested, I’ll know.

That’s just the way it is.

All because I didn’t call….to a number a didn’t have….

To: Mom

Sent: Tuesday, September 07, 2010 5:47 PM

Subject: RE:

I don’t know where this is coming from.  I sent you a couple emails asking how things went, when I didn’t hear back I figured you’d finally reply when things were settled and you had internet again.  I would have called but you had said you’d email me your number and that didn’t happen until yesterday.  I didn’t’ have any other number for you!  Kinda hard to call someone without a phone number.

I immediately email you back when you tell me you are “not” settled with a concerned message and when you said you are settled then I send a message saying I hope everything is great.

How in the hell is that “disinterested”?

You say we need to treat each other like women, and I agree.  When you send this messages you are speaking to me as if I’m still a teenager, where you attribute feelings to me that I don’t have and get mad at me for lack of information sent.  I’m hurt by your flippant reply to the message saying I was about to get concerned, but apparently this is all my fault according to the tone of your messages.

~L

Yeah, I’m a tad off-guard and defensive…

Sent: Tuesday, September 07, 2010 6:47 PM
To: ME
Subject: Re:

I just went back to all my received emails and got nothing from you concerning my move. It’s OK. I understand that right now you are defensive and without interest. It’s OK.

My Response, and also the last communique until yesterday:

To: Mom

Sent: Tuesday, September 07, 2010 7:11 PM

Subject: RE:

No, it’s not “OK”.  When you pull this passive aggressive BS, you hurt me.  You have every right to be upset, but you have ZERO right to take that anger out on me.  The ball was in your court in terms of being in touch to get me your phone number and letting me know when things were settled.  THAT was what we discussed last.  It is not my fault that you never contacted me with that information.  You cannot blame me for that.

As for the not received emails, the internet is fallible.  Things fall through sometimes, ask (name removed), he deals with it all the time.  I’m not sure why you didn’t receive anything.  I had sent several from the (alternate e-mail) account.  Perhaps that’s why you didn’t see them?  Have you checked your junk mail?

This is the last I am going to speak on this topic right now.  If you want to drop the “It’s OK that it’s your fault” lines, then maybe we can speak “woman to woman” but until then I really have nothing further to say to you.

I feel I handled it fairly well.  I didn’t mention anything that was directly attacking her, nor did I use any direct instances of her alienating the rest of the family and all of her friends with her BS attitude.  I left the mud on the ground and the boxing gloves in the closet.  I was polite but firm.

Then…nothing….total radio silence.

Every other time we have gone radio silence she always contacts me before big religious holidays or her birthday….then shortly after she stops speaking to me again, until the next holiday.

Time.

After time.

After time.

When she started the silence this time, I told my boy, “Watch, right before her birthday she will contact me.”

Her birthday is on October 25th.

So, I was entirely unsurprised when she called yesterday evening.

I was at a munch with friends.  I tell her I am out with friends and I will call her tomorrow.  She sounds all dejected that I dont’ want to stop MY fun to speak to her.

I’m still not particularly in the mood to speak to her, even though I just dialed her right before starting this post in the promised call back.

I am a Lady of My word.

I wrote this in an effort to get that out of me and in part b/c I know others have issues being up front in their communications with family and people they care about.  We are all human…things only hold the value you give them.

Stay tuned for more I suppose…

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