Size Matters…

I am now sitting in my chair, with an aching lower back and a very angry uterus.

I went for the 3rd attempt at an IUD today.  Yes, not 2, not 4, but 3.

Attempt number one back in June failed b/c of lack of insurance coverage and lack of sliding scale fundage.

Attempt number two, one month later, failed for a slightly off pH which resulted in a slight difference in normal flora in my vadge which, to prevent possible infection, prevented the IUD from being implanted.

For the past month now I’ve been eating tons of yogurt and washing only with a damp cloth in the nether regions.  Ok, pH is normal, flora..normal.  IUD?  FAIL!

Industry standards say that you should have a bare minimum of 6 centimeters of uterus length.  Guess who doesn’t have that?

Me.

Apparently, my uterus is short of 6 centimeter by a handful of millimeters.  just enough to be told on this 3rd attempt o’ mine that I can’t have the desired form of contraception.  I had just found out that my health insurance would cover it too….mother fuckers!

So, how about a short history of birth control I’ve used.

  • condoms – always even with other forms.
  • Ortho Tri-Cyclen – gave me morning sickness nearly every day for many years.
  • Ortho Cyclen – see above
  • Yaz – see above plus psychosis and depression
  • Ortho Low Dose wtf ever it was – see first ortho product.
  • Ortho Evra – MISSING PATCHES OF SKIN
  • Nuva Ring – migraines worsened, but no other serious side effects.

So, here I though a non-hormonal birth control that lasts for 10+ years.  Well, apparently not.  Those who know me, nothing about me is small.  Nothing!  Well, that’s a lie, I have a small nose, and apparently a tiny uterus too.

After being poked and prodded for an hour the verdict comes in that I can go back on the ring.

Hooray!

But, because I have migraine issues they need to check my blood pressure.  Now, for the past hour they’ve been hurting me and making me cry and generally not making me calm at all.  Guess who magically has high blood pressure?

Beginning of appt: 120/90.

End of appt:  135/92.

Now, first of all, all blood pressures are even numbers…ONLY.  Second, I was not entirely sure that either of them could take a proper blood pressure, especially since I’ve been doing blood pressures for the past 6 months.  Wrong sized cuff to start, continually on the same arm, and broken equipment.  Not to mention I was highly agitated during the second reading.

So, now, I get to go in twice in August and need to have my normal textbook blood pressure to get a year’s worth of birth control rather than one month’s worth.

I did make another appointment for the IUD to see if maybe it was just the lady being incompetent.  I’m not entirely sure I’ll keep that appointment, we’ll see.

In conclusion:  Yes, Size Matters!!

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