Lately, I’ve not had the motivation to do much at all.

School has been difficult on every level other than the actual work. Dealing with the complete lack of respect on the part of my fellow students AND, believe it or not, the administration in relation to MY progress. I have distinguished myself as star pupil (3.99 GPA, 85% attendance after a foray to NJ, Spain and Camp for more than 5 weeks and a bout with a stomach bug) and even served as secretary to the Student Council. Yet, they still find that I’m not worthy of common courtesy.

I’ve been toiling with expressing my complete lack of motivation. I’ve not had the motivation to express my lack of motivation, if you will.

I am taking over a foot fetish party franchise and while I’m happy about that, I feel like I’m floundering. I feel like things are not going as well as they should have. I’m pretty certain I’m just being over neurotic, but I don’t have the feedback I desire.

I watched “Julie and Julia” today. I kinda feel like the character “Julie” in the beginning. I feel like I’ve failed on so many fronts and I’m stuck in a huge rut. I am no where near where I wanted to be at this point in my life. The re-vamped plans for my life are also falling by the wayside.

This lack of motivation has left me with a messy apartment and a feeling of being overwhelmed at the prospect of picking back up and making it all work. School had me motivated for a few months but since my birthday in January I’m really feeling less and less interested.

I am bored.

It’s not challenging.

I am suffering for being adept at the material.

I have actually been able to make one friend in class. She’s suffering a similar plight in that she and I are both ahead of the rest of the class, and frightfully annoyed at the people we are stuck with. She also has another 5 week class to take the same as I but for different reasons.

Ah, yes, the extra 5 weeks. The schedulers have f*cked me hardcore, in the a$, without lube. I was supposed to be 3 days from my externship, but because the Education Director didn’t offer one of 2 final classes, I have an extra 5 weeks. I’m so incredibly bothered by that I can’t even articulate the level of anger this has caused in addition to the stress and near depression that I’ve experienced as a result of previously stated issues.

I’ve been unemployed for over a year and it’s killing me. School was a fix for awhile but that’s now become another source of stress. When I felt this way in the past I’d pick up and move on. At the time it felt like the right thing to do, but because of that, I now have all sorts of other issues. I’ve slowly been working through those.

I am not patient.

Shocking, I know.

Slowly I will pull through this, but I need motivation. Which brings us back to the mention of “Julie and Julia”. She had a plan and made it through. I just need to stick out the school and move on to the next level of the schooling plan. I need more though. I thought footnight would be the next project, but I don’t think it’s quite the motivation I need. (Yes, I’m going to keep doing the events, but as a source of motivation it falls short)

I need something else.

So, bottom line past the modelling, school, parties and events, I need a project. I need motivation.

I’m on the search.


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