My last post was post #69.  BWAH HA HA.

So, for those who are unaware, all the ranting and whining I’ve been doing recently is related to a flare-up in my damaged nerves in my left arm. This is the first time since the accident that I’ve felt nerve pain like this in the arm.

Back in 2008 on my way home to NH following work in Cambridge, MA, I was in a car accident where my 2004 VW GTI (2-door hatch-back) was struck in the driver’s side door by a full sized Jeep grand cherokee driven by a Brazilian National (who was living in Massachusetts, and had the Jeep registered in his name at a MA address but was NOT a citizen of the US). This driver then spun into oncoming traffic and hit a box truck head on. He refused to give the cops on the scene his wallet for identification. Both he and the box truck driver were taken from the scene in ambulances. I drove my car away, as somehow I was about to walk and talk and while crunched, my car was only missing my driver’s window (half that glass was down my shirt). NONE of my airbags had gone off even though they were fully functional, nor was my car damaged beyond some minor body work and needing a replacement window.

About halfway back to my (at-the-time) girlfriend’s house after the accident (she lived about 10 minutes from my job, 5 minutes from the accident, and around the corner from the hospital I ended up at) I called her and told her to meet me at the ER, something was wrong.

Long story short, I was only a functional human being due to my training in the medical field that included first responder training. My pain levels were maxed, yet, I was fairly coherent, and not in shock even though, the Jeep and Box truck had totaled each other, and I had a pound and a half of shattered driver’s side window in my bra.

The damage I personally sustained were minor scratches and bruising on the outside. However, on the inside, I had broken the lower 3 of my left sided “true” ribs and the top 2 “false” ribs, and bruised the lower false rib and my floating ribs. I also partially dislocated my shoulder, which in doing so frayed the nerves of my left shoulder.

Since the accident I’ve undergone physical therapy on 3 separate occasions, had Xrays and US of the joint, and nerve conduction studies. I have damage, but haven’t torn anything. I even threatened the nerve doc that I was going to hurt him bc it was so painful to have the conduction study. All-in-all I was not damaged enough to warrant surgery but damaged enough to fuck with my life.

Normally, flare-ups require the occasional need for a wrist brace and resting of the arm, but nothing like this time where I was out of work for an entire week and cannot properly take care of myself. When I cannot do things for myself I get down on myself. I do not like NEEDING to depend on others for any reason. I like to have others to depend on, but generally do not need to ask for their help. This flare-up has been physical and mental torture for me. I feel useless, helpless and like a complete burden on those who have to take care of me.

I hope I’m better soon, and not the several months it took me to recover from the accident itself.

Also, pics are of my car pre-smash, and of me 1 week post-smash.

‪#‎TBT‬ ‪#‎nervepainsucks‬ ‪#‎medicalprofessionalsmaketerriblepatients‬1028071558 blend-1028071558a 0909082104 0909081939

A moment of hostile zen

I do not open up easily.  When I do and I say something is a need, it’s really important that you listen regardless of how petulant I may seem regarding it.  When I feel like my needs aren’t being acknowledged as important I tend to start closing off tender vulnerable parts of me.  When that happens I become cold and distant.  Great attributes for a Dominatrix, not good ones for friends.  I operate the way I do for very specific reasons.  They may not make sense, but I’ve come to them because in my life I’ve experienced a lot of rough times, more than the average person.  To say that I am guarded would be a horrendous understatement.  You are only privvy to the information I want you to be privvy to, the rest you could only speculate on.  Bottom Line:  I’m having a really rough day, and I need snuggles.

Persona is only skin deep?

In the thinking about potential cancer and what that would mean if I got a confirmed diagnosis.  Treatment would likely lead to me losing several physical traits I’ve come to be very acquainted with and known for as well.  

Breast cancer treatment if it would be what I need to deal with would cause me to lose my chest and my hair at a minimum as well as likely a lot of weight.  I really try to push the looks aren’t everything card, but let’s face it kids.

We are all shallow.

It made me think.  Really ponder.  How much of my persona is tied up in my looks?  How much of my confidence is because I own the quirks of my body?  Would I still be “me” if I wasn’t this buxom force with a flowing mane?


But is there a chance that my whole persona would be altered irreparably?


My contact cards are based on my chest tats.  If I had to have a radical double mastectomy would they be saved?  If I lost all my hair would I still be remembered for all my crazy pinup hairsyles and funky hair colours?  Would it change my passion for costuming?  Would it ruin it?

Would I still be attractive to those who love me?  To those who are attracted to me now?  Would it ruin my modeling?  

So many thoughts.

The fear….

Working in the medical field has its ups and downs.  Positives and negatives.  One positive is that I know a lot about a lot of things.  


It is also a negative.


So, for the past several months I’ve noticed lumpier spots in my breasts.  Yes, breasts are fibrous, and larger breasts tend to be lumpier.  But these are different than my usual lumpiness.

“Why am I concerned?” you may ask.

Well, Back in 2007/2008 I had a lump that was a cause of concern.   I had to have an ultrasound and had several punch biopsies done.  Result:  Abnormal tissue that did not immediately present as malignant.  Plan:  Monitor for any changes.


Except I’ve had run-ins with many types of cancers over my short life.  Cervical, uterine, ovarian, skin multiple times, breast once already.  Sure, I joke about being lungs of liver next with my drinking and smoking habits, but it’s meant to be light and airy, even though it really conceals a fear I have.

I have a limited Family medical history as I am adopted, but I have a maternal aunt who had breast cancer and ovarian cancer, and skin cancer runs in the family.

Back to the present day.

I have several breast lumps that are firm almost hard and will wake me up in the middle of the night with level 8-9/10 stabbing pain that brings me to tears more often than not.  Being in the medical field and with my personal medical history, I know what this points to.

I have appointments this Thursday to get the full once over with PCP and specialists I regularly see.  (I missed an appointment in October with the move and all).  But I’ve started stressing out.

FNG has promised to go with me, which is majorly helpful, and I’m very grateful for.  I still have the fear.



I keep failing.

I can’t support anyone in my life and I keep withdrawing from everyone.  I spend more time in tears than happy.  I try my best to hide it, but you cannot hide forever.

I am trying so hard to keep everything together that I’m fulfilling my fears.  People are distancing themselves from me and as much as I try to keep them around I know I’m pushing them away also.  Frustrations arise with me and my situation; people want nothing to do with it.

I’m breaking down.  I keep trying to pick myself up before I hit bottom, but I keep sliding down.  I know it hurts people who care about me to watch me self-destruct and they cannot do anything about it.  I just want to withdraw from everyone and everything completely so I can hit bottom without the worry of hurting those around me.

I keep going through the motions every day, but all I want to do is curl in a ball and completely give up.  

I want to have plans to do things to move forward but every time I think about it I get so overwhelmed with everything I freeze.  It is a vicious cycle.  I need to unpack my things at the new place, but I worry about having to pack everything back up again when I get kicked out due to my own inaction and issues.

My life is a roller coaster.  Ups and downs, hard turns, and a little bit of thrill and fear.  I just keep waiting for the car to run off the track and just fail catastrophically.  

I just want to disappear.  Forever.

Such an easy phrase…

Such an easy phrase...

So hard to think.


Another Reminder….

Another Reminder....


A reminder

A reminder



I am in pain.

I hurt at a level I have not hurt for a long time.

I am beginning to scare the people who care about me most.

My dog is worried about me.

I am in a dark place.  Darker than I’ve been in a long, LONG time.

I will honor promises I have made to this point, but am hesitant to make plans as I can’t guarantee I’ll be able to follow-through.  

I am a flight risk.  

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